The Princess Was Expecting a Nice Quiet Trip
by Daria234
Summary: Humorfic with SLASH. The princess-adventurer escaped her over-zealous suitors but now runs into them again in a very compromising situation. Warnings for language, captivity, and sex;don't read if you don't like. Sequel to The Princess and the Plan


Written for comment_fic on livejournal

"Princess, it is an honor to have you as a guest," the Ogre King said charmingly, "Feel free to wander the gardens and gaze at my many exotic pets."

"Thank you kind sir, your hospitality is appreciated," the princess said, as she walked along the garden path toward the menagerie. She hated these high-society events, but she had told her friends at the nunnery that she would try to schmooze enough to get the Ogre to donate some books to their library. She herself was not a nun of course, but they had hired her to provide security for them on their pilgrimages, and she got along with them well, so she didn't mind doing the favor.

And if she failed in her mission, she would just steal something pretty from the palace, and then the night would be well-spent regardless.

Wandering among the shimmery peacocks, gazing up at the tall-necked beast they called a giraffe, and avoiding the oddly calm and possibly drunk lion, the princess wondered at the excesses of the rich and strange.

Suddenly she heard a familiar voice. "Princess! Princess!"

She headed toward the sound and arrived at one of the covered animal cages.

"Prince Manley?! What are you doing here?"

"The Ogre King keeps us as his pets."

"Us?"

"The Duke and myself. We've been together ever since you were kind enough to arrange our first rendevous." She peered behind him and saw a huddled snoring mass in the corner and assumed it must be the Duke.

"So you're not mad that I ditched you both?"

"No, princess. We really didn't give you much thought at all."

"Good to know."

"But will you help us? We just want to be free to go back home."

"I don't know, I already have plans for this weekend."

"Well, give us a chance to plead our case. Dukie! Dukie! Wake up, remember the princess?"

The Duke groggily raised his head. "Who?"

"The princess. The one we were both going to marry?" Prince Manley said.

"Oh. What was her name again?"

"Who cares?" Manley answered, "She's going to help us escape if we can convince her, Dukie!"

"Don't call me that, honey. And princess, please,you must help us!" the Duke said, "You have no idea what it's liked to be held captive at the whims of another."

"Really." She gave the Duke a raised eyebrow, remembering her time trapped as a helpless princess in his tower.

"Shut up, Dukie," intervened Manley, "Look, princess, please help us. What happened was years ago. He hasn't locked anyone in a tower in a long time. Unless they tried to teach peasants to read or something. Come on, pleeeeease? We're like his favorite toys, he's never going to let us go if you don't help us."

The princess rolled her eyes. "Fine. But you're lucky I'm not the vengeful sort." She walked away then to plan her next move.

"She's even lovelier than I remember," said Manley when she was out of sight.

"Agreed," said the Duke, "After she rescues us, let's kidnap her and take her home with us."

"You have the best ideas, Dukie!"

"Seriously, stop calling me that."

After dinner that night, when most of the guests were retired, the princess took the seat next to the lounging Ogre King. As the world-renowned ogre zither players worked the room, the powerful king relaxed and continued to drink his ale. The princess made smalltalk with him for awhile and then casually mentioned that she was a fan of playing Chugglepiff.

"Why, princess! You come to the right place! Chugglepiff is the favored game here at my court," he responded.

"Oh how exciting! If it weren't horribly uncouth to challenge one's host I would probably ask you to play!" the princess joked.

"Nothing uncouth about playing a good game! Come, let's go at once." They went down to the gardens and set up for the first round.

"What shall we wager, sire?" she asked.

"I would not want to take anything from you, fair princess."

"Come now, all I ask is that you do not let me win. I detest those who underestimate me, and I will be enraged if you let me win, so please try your hardest and make an honest wager."

"Very well, princess, I admire your sentiment. I will stake a gold vase on Round 1."

"Excellent, sire. And I will stake this bracelet. It is genuine gold with stones of real emerald and real onyx, and if you push down on this pearly button, a sharp blade juts out that can be used for a surprise attack on your enemies."

"That is truly a lovely bracelet. It would make a perfect gift for my daughter, who loves both fashion and violence."

They played the first round then, which consisted of hiding in the bushes and throwing pigs-bladders full of water at passersby in the garden path. Being used to Chugglepiff players, the passersby were quite upset but sice they knew it might very be the king himself who had splashed them, they simply gritted their teeth, waved, and said, "Good shot, whoever you might be."

The princess did indeed enjoy this round but she made sure to miss her last three targets and therefore lose the round. She immediately surrendered the bracelet.

"I do not need your jewels, princess. I shall give them back to you as a gift."

"I'll hear no such thing. As I said, I despise those who don't treat me as a true competitor, and though you are a powerful king and though I am but a wandering adventurer who happens to have an extremely illustrious though extremely dead and extremely land-less ancestry, we are equals on the Chugglepiff court. Now please take the bracelet and send it with my regards to your lovely daughter."

"Very well, princess. I value your opinion too much to offend you. Shall we proceed with Round 2?"

"If you win Round 2, I shall cut off my hair and give it to you for a wig," the princess said.

"I _would_ look good in your haircut."

"You surely would, sire. And if it is not too bold to ask, perhaps you might wager some of the books in your library. I know some nuns who would really appreciate being able to read the writings of Christine de Pizan and Hildegard."

The king laughed. "So this is why the famed adventurer-princess deigns to come to my boring parties. For the nuns! Well, fine, that sounds a fair wager to me."

They proceeded to Round 2, in which they fought each other with large padded sticks, as each tried to defend a torch. The trick was to make the opponent step out of the circle and knock down their torch without setting either player on fire. The princess feigned difficulty at first, but then quickly found a way to trip the ogre king, who was much stronger than he was coordinated, balanced or graceful.

The king smiled and said, "Impressive round, princess."

"How dare you!" she answered.

"What? You won princess. You shall have your books."

"You let me win!"

"That is ridiculous!"

"I warned you, sire. If you were not royalty and also a charming man, I would surely split you navel to nape for the insult!"

"I assure you, I fell not due to my own will but that of gravity.... Oh, gravity is a discovery of the Englishman Isaac Newton, who also has developed this wonderful thing called calculus."

"I prefer Liebniz. And besides, you let me win! You think that just because I'm not an ogre I need your pity? Only ogres win Chugglepiff, is that it?! This insult shall not stand."

"Please, princess, what can I do to convince you of the truth?"

"Are you really an honest Chugglepiff player?" she demanded.

"Yes, of course! And if you were not my guest and also a fearsome warrior, I would kill you on the spot for suggesting otherwise!"

"Then prove it!" said the princess. "What is your favorite pet in all your menagerie?"

"I suppose that's the two lovely men in that cage over there. They complain a lot, but mostly they just make love in imaginative ways without regard to who might be watching. It's quite stimulating actually."

"Really? What's the sexiest thing you've ever seen them do?"

The king said "Ummm..." as he started to go through his mental catalog of images.

"You know what, that's not the point," the princess said, returning to her focus, "For Round 3, stake those two men. Then I'll know that you won't lose on purpose, because they are your favored pets."

"I cannot lose them!"

"Then win Round 3."

"It is too steep a bet."

"It is the only way I can be assured that it is a fair game. In return I shall stake my own services as a security guard for your family. For one year. Someone needs to watch over your children, I know."

"That is a very generous offer. Though to be honest I would rather have your hair."

"Fine. My hair against those men."

The Ogre king sighed. He was reluctant to risk his favorite playthings, but Round 3 was usually his strong point. And besides, the princess' hair was really, really shiny. "Agreed," he said to her finally.

Round 3 was the drinking contest, of course, and so the Ogre's size and body chemistry was an advantage. It was simple enough to distract the ogre with a few dirty jokes, though, and slip some fainting potion in his ale. As the ogre king's large body flopped onto the floor, the princess smiled and went off to tell the Duke and the Prince that they would be freed in the morning if the Ogre kept his word. She then went to visit with one of her on-again/off-again lovers, the Ogre King's daughter.

+++++++++++++

The next morning, the Ogre King was waiting for her by the cages. He was weeping softly as she approached.

"Your books are right here. But are you sure I can't convince you to take some treasure of gold or jewels instead of these men?" he asked her through his tears.

"How much gold are we talking about exactly?"

"Princeeessss!" Manley whined.

"Fine," she said, "Please let them go now. A wager must stand."

Crying even harder, the Ogre King gestured the guards to release the Duke and the Prince. Happily they walked hand in hand toward the princess.

"Okay, you're almost free," she said, "But first I want you to give the Ogre King a kiss good-bye." At this the Ogre looked up hopefully as the guards behind him rolled their eyes.

"What?" the Duke protested, "No!"

"Why not?" she asked, "Because he's green and hairy? Because he's full of warts, and some of those warts have warts? Because he smells like what would happen if fifteen putrid swamps shared an outhouse during bean season?"

"Yeah, those are pretty much the reasons," Manley said.

"Tough. Ogres need love too."

"I thought you weren't vengeful, princess!" the Duke argued.

"This isn't vengeance. I just think it would be totally hot."

The Duke sighed. "Fine. One kiss and then our freedom."

"Agreed," the princess and the Ogre said in unison.

The Duke walked up to the ogre, gave him a quick peck on the lips and quickly drew back. Manley went up then and gave the Ogre King a gently kiss on the mouth. The Ogre King put his hand gently on Manley's face then, and Manley moaned and started moving his tongue between the ogre's lips.

"Enough!" the Duke said as he pulled Manley off of the Ogre. "You can be such a little slut sometimes."

Manley replied,"What did you say? Did you say that you LOVE it that I'm a little slut?"

The King ignored them. "Thank you, Princess. You are welcome here any time. I know you shall be going soon, but I wish you well. And my daughter sends her compliments. Whatever that means."

"Farewell, sire. I am happy to call you friend." She mounted her horse and left then, the two men walking behind her. They continued until they reached a fork in the road, at which point she said, "Now that is the path toward your home. You can take it, or you can try to kidnap me and then have fun finding out how long it takes skin to grow back."

The two men looked at each other and then back at her. "Home," they said.

"Farewell, then, you sexy bastards. It was nice seeing you again."

And she rode off happily into the sunset.


End file.
